Paul Williams: From Hedonism to Faith
I was brought up in a secular family in Essex, where I rebelled against the Christian practice of my school by becoming an outspoken atheist (not terribly original I know). I was one of those students who refused to bow my head during the school assembly prayer.
When I was 23 I moved to London. One weekend I was cycling back from an all night party on Sunday morning when I passed by St Mary’s Church in Islington. I was attracted to its neo-classical architecture and decided to go inside for a look. The Sunday service was in progress and I sat at the back, watching. What happened next is one of those experiences it is impossible to put into words. I felt an external force, Love, wash over me, but I would not let it in. It was very intense and most unwelcome, yet paradoxically I liked it. I felt that if I stayed in the church I would breakdown in tears or worse. So I left. Was it God’s presence? I think it was.
Unsurprisingly I returned the following Sunday looking for a repeat experience, and of course, nothing happened. But it propelled me on a spiritual quest that lead me to become a born-again Christian a year later in my local Baptist church. I had some amazing spiritual experiences, and felt God was intimately involved with my life, prayer became real to me, and I felt I had entered a moral universe for the first time. I was rather hedonistic before my conversion, in fact I had been a so-called ‘gay activist’, and not surprisingly I lost most of my friends when I became a Christian. Accepting Christianity meant I accepted that God had reserved sexual intimacy for the married state alone. Some of my gay friends called me a ‘traitor’ (amongst other unprintable things!)
As I love reading, I read and read: theology, biblical studies, commentaries and philosophy. But above all I studied the Bible. I had so many questions, and not many answers. But some issues worried me profoundly and sent me off researching for answers. I started to feel my born-again faith was under threat…
Faith in Question
There were some really difficult challenges thrown up by my reading of the Bible. I was especially worried by what I read in Mark’s gospel chapter 13. I read there that Jesus taught the destruction of the Jerusalem Temple by the Romans and the end of the world would occur within the generation then living. Did Jesus get it wrong? Did he really believe the world would end in the first century? And then what about all those statements in Paul’s letters that said the End was soon to come?
Then there was the issue of homosexuality. How does one interpret Romans 1 and 1 Corinthians 6:9? More and more Christians (yes – even evangelicals) were interpreting these passages in a liberal direction in ways that permitted gay relationships, but I thought their interpretations were self-serving and influenced by the Zeitgeist. I stuck to my guns. Nevertheless, I felt increasingly marginalized in my views. Most of my Christian friends who came from a homosexual background were abandoning Christian morality and going back to the so-called ‘gay scene’. They were supported by an increasing number of priests and bishops. I refused to do this out of obedience to God.
One day I decided to study the Bible at university and I enrolled as an undergraduate at the University of London. How I enjoyed being a full-time student! But I was ill-prepared. Because of my theological battles over sexual ethics with other Christians, I had developed a thick armor of conservative theology and polemic. Liberal theology was my big enemy. I had marshaled detailed arguments to defend the inerrancy of the Bible and the deity of Jesus; arguments to defend the idea that only through belief in Jesus could a person be saved (and everyone else was doomed to eternal hell fire).
The big crunch at college came when I was required to write an essay on the historicity of Israel’s Exodus from Egypt. Every book in the bibliography I was required to read assumed the Exodus was a legend. I protested to my Old Testament tutor, but to no avail. Eventually I resigned from the degree course, a decision I now bitterly regret. But it was the wrong time for me to be a theology student at university. I was a committed fundamentalist.
I discover Islam…
A couple of years later something happened which had unforeseen consequences. I had joined a 12-step programme to help me overcome a particular addiction I was powerless over. No amount of prayer seemed to deliver me from its clutches and I was desperate to be free. In this 12-step group I discovered that some people were committed Christians too (evangelicals and charismatics). If you are familiar with the 12 steps you will know that Step 3 is about coming to acknowledge that a Power greater than oneself can free us from the addiction. By the grace of God I found freedom, and so did many others who were not even Christians. This confused me. Salvation – in the biblical sense of freedom from the slavery of sin, wholeness, doing the will of God – was being experienced by ‘unbelievers’. I thought this was theologically impossible! My world-view had to come to terms with this new reality. As I experienced more and more wholeness and healing in many aspects of my life I made a decision to look again at the fundamentals of my Christian faith: I wanted to make a ruthlessly honest reappraisal of the foundations of Christianity. So I reread the best contemporary New Testament scholarship and used my intelligence, reason and desire for truth to guide me (I studied works by Raymond E. Brown; James DG Dunn; Graham Stanton; Geza Vermes; EP Sanders; NT Wright; AE Harvey, and others – all but one are Christians).
I wanted to find the truth: Did Jesus really think he was God? I wanted to take a new hard dispassionate look at the historical evidence and follow the truth even if it lead me out of Christianity.
Was the Bible really without error? If there were serious errors in the Book (like the erroneous belief that Jesus would return in the first century) then how could I trust it on other important matters?
Was the grace of God available only through the Christian faith? I had discovered that God’s grace could transform the lives of non-Christians who called on Him. So maybe there were other paths to God…
Co-incidentally, I took an academic interest in Islam. I read the Qur’an from cover to cover (in English) and unannounced I walked into my local mosque in Regents Park. The brothers there were very kind, easily spotting an English guy who had no idea where to go. I set myself a three month time limit to learn all I thought I needed to know about the reality of Islam, then I would move on. I aimed to discover if Islam was really a religion of terror, hostile to Western civilisation and humane values. Unfortunately I had become very Islamophobic and had started to boycott my local halal shop because the men had beards and so must be nasty militant types! (They turned out to be nice Shia brothers)
So like with Christianity, I decided to look into Islam as objectively as I could. I wanted to undertake this enquiry for myself away from the influence of the media. At the mosque I asked many questions and even argued against Islam. What was Islam really like? I listened and I learned. But I certainly never ever had any thought of becoming a Muslim!
I did not learn my theology all at once,
but have always had to dig deeper and deeper.
Martin Luther
I had thought Christianity was the only show in town. Now, I had significant indications that other people lived a vibrant spiritually authentic existence, but were not Christians, first on the 12 step programme, and then slowly, I discovered, in Islam. Could I have been wrong in my Christian beliefs? Could I be brave enough to question my most cherished beliefs about God and the Bible? Revisiting biblical studies and asking new questions of the New Testament lead me away from traditional Christianity.
So, did Jesus think he was God? The evidence suggested that he did not as the earliest historical evidence indicated that he was a prophet of God and a devout Orthodox Jew and not the dying and rising saviour god of later Pauline Christianity.
Was the Bible really without error? Looking dispassionately at the evidence I was forced to accept that serious error exists in the Bible. And unlike the Quran the Bible nowhere actually claims to be the word of God!
Was the grace of God available only through the Christian faith? Muslims and other non-Christians demonstrated all those aspects of holiness of life I had previously assumed were exclusive to Christians.
In a new spirit of openness I discovered something amazing, beautiful, strange, yet oh so familiar: Islam. The Qur’an came alive to me, like the Bible had before. Islam’s great secret, unknown to most in the West is the prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him): this man’s life and teaching came to me as a complete surprise. What an amazing man! A real prophet of God. It was mind-blowing stuff! I said my Shahada. I found that my intensive reading of the Qur’an did not raise a multitude of distressing questions as had my reading of the Bible. Islam is basically a simple religion of one God that I find much more inclusive and pluralistic than my narrow Christian faith.
However I still have much to learn and yes I still have unanswered questions and problems I wrestle with, but my faith is not on the line any more. The Truth is friendly to enquiry, there is nothing to fear. I am an imperfect human bring with a long and convoluted past. But I am on a journey and God has blessed me in so many ways….
Comments on: "The Road to Mecca: My Story" (5)
Subhanallah. Im a 40 + Indonesian national living in Jakarta, I have been a Muslim all my life. There were also times when I questioned my faith and in a very low state of Imaan in my teens, I decided to study other religions and ended up very attracted to Muslim Christian interfaith dialogue when I took my undergrad degree in the UK back in 1990. Until now I continue doing da’wah work wherever and whenever I can
But My path to Islam were no way as dramatic as your fascinating journey.
Allah SWT Gave hidaayah whoever He Wanted to guide May He Bless you further ..
Salam Erik and thanks for your post…
Your story is very inspiring MashaAllah. It confirms to a very rational approach all of us should take about the one most significant issue of life. Just yesterday I posted on the issue of using this rational approach to find the one true faith, and some of the points it discusses also pertain to conversion. I use references to the Qur’an as well as to psychological research where it seems relevant. Some of my posts look at the interface between traditional science and Qur’anic teachings. I invite you to take a look at my blog, in particular, I would like you to read my recent post titled Quran in Ramadaan: The determined vs the uncertain so that you can share your thoughts with me on my blog. Thanks.
An interesting journey to be sure. In hearing testimonies from others who left Christianity, I have been struck by the fact that people went looking for reasons to feed their doubt rather than their faith. They also consider there to be errors in the Bible that aren’t really errors at all, but they fail to search for reasonable explanations of them. There are, of course, copyist errors, but none of them affect any of the key doctrines about God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, salvation, etc. They are insignificant.
Re: the generation passing away in Mark 13. The word “genoa” in Greek, meaning “generation’ can mean “race”. Therefore, Jesus’ statement could mean that the Jewish race would not pass away until all these things (the abomination of desolation, the tribulation, etc.) occurred.
The word “generation” can also be used of the people alive at the same time at a specific time. In this case, it would refer to the generation alive at the time of the abomination of the desolation, the tribulation, etc.
As for the belief that Jesus would come back in their lifetime, all Christians live with the knowledge that it could happen at any moment. The word “imminent” has a connotation of suddenness, without warning.
I also found it interesting that you were upset by the Bible’s statements about homosexuality. Yet Islam soundly condemns it. I recall several haematologists I know who went to Yemen. They asked how the doctors there handled the AIDS problem. They were told there was no AIDS problem. When they asked how that could be, they were told that homosexuals were arrested and put in jail and then, if they happened to get killed trying to escape, well, that’s the way it was. In other words, they were purposely disposed of. At least Christians will try to help homosexuals. We don’t have them killed.
I also find it interesting that you would choose a religion to follow that offers you no surety of salvation. You have to hope that your good deeds outweigh your bad in Allah’s eyes. Unfortunately, there is no way that anybody can earn his or her way into heaven. We are all born with sin natures. None of us can fix or remove that sin nature. But God cannot have sin in heaven and we can’t make ourselves sin-free. So how can we ever enter his presence?
We can’t. Not on our own. That’s why God sent Jesus. He died in our place and we are allowed into heaven when we accept his gift of salvation. He gives us his righteousness in exchange for our sins. It is on the basis of his sin-free nature that we are allowed into heaven because we ourselves could never get there on our own.
Christianity is the ONLY religion where salvation is a gift. Everybody else is trying to obey a whole bunch of rules, like the Five Pillars of Islam, and try to earn their way into heaven. But it can’t be done. They aren’t making themselves holy. Only God is holy.
When a person accepts Christ, God regenerates his/her dead spirit, that is, he makes it alive again and a person is a new creature with a fresh start. God then fills the believer with the Holy Spirit who then works with the Christian through a lifelong process of sanctification. The Christian has the very power of God inside him/her to empower him/her to overcome sin while other people in other religions are all trying to do it in their own puny human power.
As for Jesus not thinking he was God, he makes it very clear in the Bible that he is. If you do a study of the Trinity, you will find that there are dozens and dozens of verses that state clearly that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are all God, identical in essence, Check out Robert Bowman here:
http://www.irr.org/trinity-outline.html
If Jesus had NOT been both God AND man at the same time, he would not have been able to die for our sins because God required a perfect, that is, sin-free sacrifice and Jesus was sin-free because he was God Incarnate. Read Darrell Bock, Michael Licona, Craig Blomberg, Craig Evans, Doug Groothuis, etc.
And as for the Quran not containing any errors, it certainly does. You can find an article on it here:
http://www.answering-islam.org/Quran/Contra/index.html
As for Islam being inclusive and pluralistic, I can’t see that myself, given that Muslims consider non-Muslims infidels that can be lied to and cheated and mistreated because they are not Muslims.
I’m sorry, Paul, but you have traded the truth for a lie and that makes me very sad.
sisterofkay
There are many errors, discrepancies and mistakes in the Bible as an honest reading of it will quickly demonstrate. It also portrays God as a deity who orders people to slaughter innocent men, women and children – see 1 Samuel 15 for just one terrible example. So the Bible’s portrayal of God is faulty too. But which Bible? There are so many different versions with different books with radically different interpretations. Which one is the Bible? I have no idea.
Also, sadly, the Bible manuscripts have been corrupted by Christian scribes over the centuries as the textual critics have now uncovered. See all the evidence in Bart Ehrman’s brilliant academic work ‘The Orthodox Corruption of Scripture: The Effect of Early Christological Controversies on the Text of the New Testament’
‘Genoa’ in context means ‘generation’ which is why every translation of Mark I have ever read translates it this way. Sorry but your argument is just a piece of special pleading. As the NIV has it
‘Truly I tell you, this generation will not pass away until all these things have taken place.’
As an honest person will acknowledge, ‘all these things’ – including the return of the son of man – just did not happen. It was a mistaken prediction. Paul too was in error about the time of the end in his writings. Biblical scholars freely acknowledge this – what is preventing you?
You say, ‘I also found it interesting that you were upset by the Bible’s statements about homosexuality.’
No I wasn’t. You have misunderstood my point. Reread my article. I was upset that the church was so quickly abandoning the truth in the Bible for worldly values. Islam is the only religion on earth that has not been corrupted by modernism and liberalism.
You also say,
‘I also find it interesting that you would choose a religion to follow that offers you no surety of salvation. You have to hope that your good deeds outweigh your bad in Allah’s eyes. Unfortunately, there is no way that anybody can earn his or her way into heaven.’
Actually the Quran guarantees that a Muslim will go to paradise. However, no-one not even the prophet Muhammad will get into heaven by his good works alone.
Visit here for more information about this and other misunderstandings: Answering Common Questions on Salvation That Christians Pose to Muslims.